01.29.03 . 9:58 a.m.
41: eric

i woke up this morning to robert plant singing...."i got a woman stays drunk all the tiiime"...and i knew that was a good sign.

im sitting at work now. i got here about five minutes ago. i love getting here early ... less chit-chat, less noise period. im drinking coffee (its becoming somewhat of a habit. i must break this soon). its foggy outside, and in the low 50's. no, its not sunny...but i dont mind. i actually love the weather today.

i guess it makes my insides feel cozy and peaceful.

ive had a rough week at work so far this week, and im hoping it doesnt get worse. i tend to allow myself to stress out a bit to much. im surprised i dont have an ulcer.

on the drive to work, i was listening to one of my favorite bands (built to spill) and i was sort of going down memory lane as i drove down Legacy (my favorite road to drive on).

i thought back to the tender age of 15 when i was a sophomore in high school. the second day of school. i had to ride the bus during the first month or two of school because my mom left for work so early. the town i went to high school in was small. but not overly-small..just "average small". my school was full of redneck football jocks, mexican kids who thought they were in gangs, and black kids who thought just the same. these people also rode the bus with me. i had my small circle of friends, and that was about all the folks i talked to at this time. im pretty reserved, actually, so i didnt approach many people. i still recall what i wore that day. a long black skirt, black boots, and a cure t-shirt. my hair was long back then, and just wore it up in a bun with a blue ribbon around my neck that i made into a really great necklace. i rode the bus that morning, sitting all by myself listening to idiots just talking shit about whatever mtv crap they watched the night before, and i just kept to myself.

i stood by myself that morning at school, and just watched the kids around me. my small group of friends (who hadnt shown up yet) were Clay, the guitarist and singer for a really great band who had a similar sound to Janes Addiction, Hope, the ex-cheerleader gone cool girl who was obsessed with Guns&Roses and had a disctinct liking for all things glitter, and Amanda, who was the ultimate stuck-up snob and who would later steal my great pair of burgandy mary-jane shoes (bitch!).

as i stood against the wall, i saw a guy with dark hair. his head was down and he was walking thru the commons area. he immediately caught my eye as he was wearing an old Smiths shirt. i just watched him find a place and he took a seat. he didnt speak to anyone at all. he just sat pulled his headphones from his backpack and put in a cd.

the bell rang, and so i grabbed my schedule, and walked to my first period class.

boy in smiths shirt was two rows over. why he wasnt there the first day, i dont know.

we made eye contact a couple of times...but it wasnt until weeks and weeks later that he and i became friends. not something that occurred naturally, however.

there was a mutual friend: a girl named Christina. this girl was quite a charactor...she had been on jenny jones, maury povich, and sally jessy. yes, all three. "freak teens" or some pathetic title like that.

one night, while i was out with hope sneaking into movies, i got a call at home. when i finally got home, my mom was sitting in the kitchen with my grandma...she smiled, and said "some boy named eric likes you."

puzzled, i asked "huh...?" she replied with "check the machine."

i sat on the corner of the couch, and hit play.

a girls voice "so....what do you think about tiffanie?"

a boys voice "oh, i think shes awesome."

girl "do you like her"

boy "im to shy to talk to her"

girl "i think you should ask her out"

boy "youre insane"

end of message.

christina had eric on three way, and he didnt know she was calling me. she got the machine, and thats when she brought him to the line. the whole conversation was recorded.

as a rather shy person, i never said anything to him.

anyhow, we eventually became very close friends, but i had a boyfriend at that time, and for the next three years. eric and i became inseperable, encountering several odd and uncomfortable outings involving him trying to kiss me once, me getting pissed off and kicking him out of my car and speeding off. him getting drunk in a park and passing out and me waking him up to take him home. we were close. we had many moments where there were almost-kisses, like in drama in the back of the stage.

i always encouraged him to get a girlfriend, but he was in love with me for like five years. after high school, and after my high school boyfriend, we were still close. he didnt care for my then-boyfriend, and always told me so. he eventually got used to it, i guess.

i think i might have always given him some kind of false hope that we would some day be together...because i think i always sort of wanted him around. i had a break down one night, and just apologized to him for being such a fucking twit and that he was my best friend and i just pleaded for some kind of forgiveness. he thought i was insane, and told me he always knew we would never date, but that the thought of being with me made him think that he could really accomplish things. i think because i made him feel good about himself, who knows.

he eventually got a girlfriend, a girl named amber who i had seen around in high school, but never spoke to her.

at that time, i needed a roomate, and so did she. so...naturally, we moved in together.

we signed a six month lease on an apartment and we moved in. eric was over ALL of the time. it was the beginning to the end of our six year friendship.

the two of them were filthy. his living habits were the most disgusting ive ever witnessed. AWFUL. i was the only one who cleaned ANYTHING. i would do the dishes, they would use them, and then leave them around the kitchen, so that when i wanted to eat, i had to wash their nastiness off and then wait to use them. it was awful. me being the neurotic and obsessive-compulsive girl that i am, i had many yelling matches with amber and eric.

apparently, they werent very safe in the sex department, because she found out she was pregnant.

i didnt know how eric would take it because heres a 24 year old whos never even owned a car let alone driven one. he worked at UPS, night shifts, and slept all day and ate nothing, and i mean NOTHING but microwaveable cheese pizzas. drank nothing but soda, and didnt eat meat. not because he didnt want to, but simply because it wasnt round and wasnt smothered in cheese and sauce.

it was foul.

he couldnt handle serious situations at ALL. i was actually sort of concerned for amber and their soon-to-be child.

the lease was over, and that day, i was out of there. i had packed for a week straight, and the 31st of that month, i was gone. i took pictures of their mess, the way they lived, and the filth that they surrounded themselves in...just to be on the safe side. i wasnt about to be charged for something not my fault.

they started packing and cleaning the day of.

i havent seen or talked to amber since.

but recently, i DID get an email from eric. i havent talked to him in a loooong while. a very long while.

he told me that amber left him. she did nothing but party and sleep around after their son was born, and that she didnt even care to see the baby. she only wanted to see him once a month.

so now, this man that i had little respect for two years ago is a responsible father. yes, he still lives at home, and yes he still doesnt have a car, but im sort of 'proud' that he has taken charge of this domestic situation.

amber, on the other hand, is a fucking moron, and she'll end up just like her insane mother whos been married 5 times and has three kids..all of which have different fathers.

good luck with that, amber.

life is a funny, funny thing. eric and i have never kissed, and never will. i dont even talk to him on a regular basis. maybe once every 6-9 months. so these are my thoughts this morning....im surprised its not all a blur.

...sorry for the rambling on...


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