PILLOW - WEPT |
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02.20.03 . 10:04 a.m. i slept long. i slept hard. i slept untouched. i slept in the same position all night long. woke up a quarter 'till 6 and didnt move. i let the alarm carry on. i looked towards the window in my bedroom. there was a car pulling out of their parking space in front. the light caused square shadows to move across my walls. i watched the ceiling be silent. i watched my walls be still. i got out of bed, pulled off my shirt, turned the alarm off, and pulled my hair up off my neck and into a bun. i opened the door, fed the dog, turned the computer on, turned the bathroom light on, and brushed my teeth. i turned the shower nozzle--a little this way--a little that way. i pulled my hair down, and stepped into the shower. i woke up and didnt utter a word. i didnt DO anything. i seemed to move in complete rhythm with my usual habits. the water was the perfect temperature..i didnt cut my legs when i shaved..and i didnt sing like i usually do. i guess because this morning, the alarm was blaring a commericial instead of some classic rock song. i still havent spoken much this morning. ive barely said a word. in the gas station this morning, i didnt even speak except to say "thanks..." its not that im in a bad mood. because im not. its not that im in a sad mood. because im not. its not that im in any mood. because im not. i feel..sort of...just. here. i have no desire to move. no desire to speak to anyone. i had dreams about shopping malls and car bombs. i had dejavu this morning when i put lotion on my legs. i drank chocolate milk because i love the feeling it gives me. i have nothing of any importance to say. or to do. to anyone. to anyone of you. i cant escape four months. i cant wait until the end of june. its all that i can think about. june. june. june. june. one two three four four months-thats nothing, right? four months is just a really long week. right? yeah. thats all it is. i hate that my good friends dont exist anymore. jessica-what happened to you? i miss our talks. scott-what the hell happened to you? im mailing all of your stuff back. in a box. with a picture of me on top of the pile inside ... the picture is of me..giving you the finger. eric-youre life is so different. melissa-i havent seen or spoken to you in years..but every day i wonder about you. bryan-you and i have to much history to ever see one another again mike mcvay-i was in love with you from afar for two years. even after you left, i would go to the place where you worked wearing the very best, just so youd say hi. jessica m-i hope youre happy now. i will never forgive you for all those years ago. you sold me out. jason S-how can i not want to know you? . in a world so full of people-how can i feel completely alone? in my head-im alone. always. its not a fault of anyone. its just the way it is. i watch from the sidelines...i watch everyone-i keep my feelings hid. because its how i am. its in my blood. its genetics at their finest, folks. im in love with the way things work-spinning on an axis we can never see. im in love with a thousand different people because they all have what i want. but nothing is ever unattainable. if they are-im fucked. we all are. ive lost the meaning here. x |
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