02.20.03 . 10:04 a.m.
82: who sucked out the feeling?

i slept long. i slept hard. i slept untouched. i slept in the same position all night long.

woke up a quarter 'till 6 and didnt move. i let the alarm carry on. i looked towards the window in my bedroom. there was a car pulling out of their parking space in front. the light caused square shadows to move across my walls. i watched the ceiling be silent. i watched my walls be still.

i got out of bed, pulled off my shirt, turned the alarm off, and pulled my hair up off my neck and into a bun.

i opened the door, fed the dog, turned the computer on, turned the bathroom light on, and brushed my teeth.

i turned the shower nozzle--a little this way--a little that way.

i pulled my hair down, and stepped into the shower.

i woke up and didnt utter a word. i didnt DO anything. i seemed to move in complete rhythm with my usual habits.

the water was the perfect temperature..i didnt cut my legs when i shaved..and i didnt sing like i usually do. i guess because this morning, the alarm was blaring a commericial instead of some classic rock song.

i still havent spoken much this morning.

ive barely said a word. in the gas station this morning, i didnt even speak except to say "thanks..."

its not that im in a bad mood. because im not.

its not that im in a sad mood. because im not.

its not that im in any mood. because im not.

i feel..sort of...just. here.

i have no desire to move. no desire to speak to anyone.

i had dreams about shopping malls and car bombs.

i had dejavu this morning when i put lotion on my legs.

i drank chocolate milk because i love the feeling it gives me.

i have nothing of any importance to say. or to do. to anyone. to anyone of you.

i cant escape four months. i cant wait until the end of june. its all that i can think about.









four months-thats nothing, right?

four months is just a really long week.



thats all it is.

i hate that my good friends dont exist anymore.

jessica-what happened to you? i miss our talks.

scott-what the hell happened to you? im mailing all of your stuff back. in a box. with a picture of me on top of the pile inside ... the picture is of me..giving you the finger.

eric-youre life is so different.

melissa-i havent seen or spoken to you in years..but every day i wonder about you.

bryan-you and i have to much history to ever see one another again

mike mcvay-i was in love with you from afar for two years. even after you left, i would go to the place where you worked wearing the very best, just so youd say hi.

jessica m-i hope youre happy now. i will never forgive you for all those years ago. you sold me out.

jason S-how can i not want to know you?


in a world so full of people-how can i feel completely alone?

in my head-im alone. always.

its not a fault of anyone. its just the way it is.

i watch from the sidelines...i watch everyone-i keep my feelings hid. because its how i am.

its in my blood. its genetics at their finest, folks.

im in love with the way things work-spinning on an axis we can never see. im in love with a thousand different people because they all have what i want. but nothing is ever unattainable.

if they are-im fucked.

we all are.

ive lost the meaning here.


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