05.05.03 . 1:50 p.m.
304: J.


im sorry.

im sorry for what i did.

for the way its been for so long.

for the way i put you through a mess of SHIT.

im sorry for the way i could never fully commit to you for whatever reason.

for my lack of security within myself?

for the need to be something more?

for whatever lame excuse i could follow this up with?

im sorry for the lies ive told to you in the past & the way things got carried away - because god knows id take them back if i could.

i dont know whats going to happen after everything.

no one ever does. including myself.

and what should i do?

should we call it quits finally?

for good?

after years of loving?

do i just get up, and go?

do i toss my stuff into bags and go from one place to the next?

thats no way to be. it makes my mind ill at the thought of it.

how do people survive things like this?

i really dont know.

sacrifice, you say, is the key factor in relationships.

and this has always been what i've lacked.

since as far back as i can recall, its always been that way.

and i need to sacrifice things now, i understand.

i understand.

im wondering if you'll ever hear 'Lonesome Me' by Neil Young & think about me?

i wonder if there will be a time when all wounds heal.

the past is such an ugly, ugly thing to look back upon and dissect. i just need to sit back, and try, though.

get some objective opinions on things.

but how?

how can i remove myself from longing, and desire?

how can i remove myself from waking up to you?

how can i remove myself from falling asleep with you?

how can i remove myself from any of that?

how do people do it?

how do people get over someone else?

some, i think its easier to forget about.

others, they will leave a scar so deep that you never stop loving them.

like you - with jennifer.

when you look back at it, and you know you fucked up with her.

even though she never found out - you knew what you were doing.

when she left you sitting there on that day when she told you goodbye.

i dont want it to be me on that couch. god knows, i dont.

im too afraid of getting stuck in between those cushions. for years & years to come.

so so afraid. because i know - regret will visit me every single day...



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