PILLOW - WEPT
05.12.03 . 10:08 p.m.
(prepare for a typical woman's rant on the physical appearance of the rest of the world in comparison to her)
..i'm 5'6 & 125 pounds. im not an unattractive woman. ive got nice tits, a nice ass, great legs, a great smile, and nice eyes. when i go out to places, i generally get hit on by some guy whos a complete ass, and has no business speaking to members of the same sex, let alone the opposite sex.
the thing is, though. im not happy with my body. sure, i shouldnt be. but no one is ever truly happy with their body.
ive been excersizing like mad the last two months. 250 ab-crunches, 150+ situps, jogging, swimming, trying to maintain a healthy diet (though slipping lately)
t r y i n g .
on my day off today, i found myself flipping thru the channels on tv. i ended up on VH1 and it was some crap about the styles of the season, or some other shit, and i saw a dozen hot girls with really great bodies.
mine isnt far off.
so why the fuck should i be so concerned.
we are in constant contact with some woman with tanned skin, gorgeous tits, flat abs, and a gorgeous head of hair with fucking glossy lips.
fucking beautiful in all of their glory.
its shoved down our throats.
our boyfriends want it.
our friends want it.
men on the streets want it.
hell, I want it!
ive never been the type of woman to get so bent out of shape over petty, trivial shit like this...i dont know why im letting it get to me now.
i really dont.
ive always been a confidant woman who knows shes attractive, knows i could probably get any man i wanted, etc.
who fucking cares.
ive never let things like this get under my skin so deeply.
and maybe its because the illness is finally seeping thru this thick skull of mine.
maybe im finally cracking and breaking down like all of the other bitter women out there in this world.
maybe im finally letting myself get more idiotic thanks to beer commercials and victoria secrets ads.
hell, i used to WORK there, and now here i am envying those beauties.
its so fucking juvenile and pointless...to let myself get so frustrated with myself like this.
i cant even believe im writing about it.
im stronger than this...to let this get to me in such an unhealthy way.
ive always been stronger than this.
none of this means that i look in the mirror and get disgusted, because i dont. i look at myself in the mirror and always feel great. naked or not.
i suppose it gets to me the most when the tv is on.
when bilboards are in constant view.
its such a pathetic load of SHIT.
to let this become a weakness of mine.
i cant decide if its healthy to be so goal oriented to becoming more 'toned' or if its entirely unhealthy because the reasons im driven by are that of plastic-surgery-giant-tit-type-of-bikini-wearing-girls.
..this entire entry makes me feel like those fucked up girls on diaryland who have banners listing their food intake for the day and their diet plans. because im not that way. i still pig out on giant chicken burritos and eat hersheys w/ almonds.
i give it a day before i pull this entry down.