03.08.03 . 8:44 a.m.
113: choking on a brave new world

i peeled myself out of bed this morning and sat up with my back against the wall. i watched the shapes take form on my walls while the sunlight snuck in thru the mini-blinds. my head is throbbing from the night before (or maybe its the stress?). i drank so much and so hard last night that i puked up everything that was inside of me...hoping that the feeling would leave my body. i wanted to get rid of the heartache and the hurt & instead only my lunch left my system. my body should be rejecting You because thats how i want to feel ... empty. and you are all that i can ever consume these days.

if i were more adult about the situation? if i could erase the X that marks off today on the calendar, i would go back to this time yesterday, and when that bomb was dropped? i would have responded with a simple : OK.

but instead, i let you see the anger. the hurt. the sadness. the frustration.

and instead of you accepting that because it is a natural reaction, you shut me out at first chance.

if this happened a month ago? i might be more ok with things. ive spent so many weeks preparing for the summer, that my mind has become oblivious to reality. the reality of distance. the reality of struggle. the reality of human nature.

you let me go on - thinking that things would happen. thinking that there was an underlined connection between two people stretched out so far across land and water. thinking i meant something.

and so quickly? you change your mind.

i am being selfish. i deserve to be.

i deserve to go thru the emotions of this.

because now? i have to change my mind about so many things, and i have to alter that frame of mind that has taken its toll on me for the last month.

a beach, a road trip, a hotel? fuck them. because they mean nothing but a really long week to me now.

the sad thing? id still let you in.

i couldnt sleep at all last night. id wake up for a minute or two and turn over and in those seconds, you would be in my head...and i would hear the words you said yesterday. and all over again, i would cry and then drift off into sleep because my heart has left this vessel..and now?


i feel completely useless.

you made me dream. you made me hope. you made me feel alive.

without you?

i'll just sleep longer hours and wake up and work for a change.

i'll turn the headphones up so loud that it drowns out thoughts all together. i'll work harder from 8-5 than ever before. anything to occupy the spaces you normally took up.

im not afraid to say i am sad. i am not to strong to say i feel betrayed. i am not to above it to say that i want you.

i am not to weak..to say i wont try.

the songs. the songs that i make up for you when i hum to myself? well..at least i can say that those were flushed down the toilet with the rest of the SHIT from last night.


Grammatical Longing

can I live with longing?

it's a heavily punctuated existence

my heart caught like a semi-colon,

waiting for you to complete the rest

of our sentence.

we are unquestionably linked

but you refuse your modifiers

and I am trapped.

an unfinished sentence

capped off with the ellipses

of your absence

back . forth